Cancer, my unexpected guru: Thriving with metastatic breast cancer

Blogs>Cancer, my unexpected guru: Thriving with metastatic breast cancer

How I embraced life, love, and joy through the challenges of breast cancer

Three words I never thought my 34-year-old healthy, organic-eating, wellness-teaching yogini body would ever hear? “You have cancer.”

It was the summer of 2015, and I was feeling on top of the world. I was living in Texas, happily married, and working as ayogatherapist. I had just become certified in a mindfulness practice calledThe Work of Byron Katieand led my first international yoga retreat in Costa Rica. I truly felt like I had found my calling.

But, instead, I found a lump — anaggressivestage II breast cancer.

Even though I was “trained” in peace, I completely lost it during the diagnostic phase. I would lie in bed in my Dallas apartment, yanking the covers over my head, sobbing, and shutting myself off from the world. People in their 30s are supposed to be growing families and careers, not tumors. I felt like an angry, terrified, lonely victim consumed with thoughts like “My life is over,” “My dreams are canceled,” and even more painful, “This is all my fault.”

One quiet morning, sunlight streamed through the window, casting dancing shadows on the white walls. A word hit my mind: ENOUGH. Enough suffering. My downward spiral wasn’t improving my already tough situation.

I decided to take action. I dove deeply into the mindfulness practice I’d trained in, examining the thoughts that filled my mind about cancer. I began questioning my scary cancer BS (belief systems):

By following this practice daily, within a few weeks, my tears of pain transformed into tears of hope. I could see that I was safe in the present moment. My body was strong, the cancer was caught early, and I had an amazing medical team. I even began to realize the gifts that cancer might bring into my life: a chance to be more present, compassionate, and grateful.

Cancer could be my invitation to prioritize self-love and joy. Maybe it would strengthen my relationships, connect me with new amazing humans, and give my career a new direction. What if cancer is happeningforme, not to me?

I made a conscious decision not to fight cancer. Instead, I’d welcome it as a wise teacher who can grow me in ways I hadn’t imagined. This mindset carried me through two years of rigorous treatment: aggressive chemo, a doublemastectomy,radiation, reconstruction, and years ofhormone therapy.

When I was pronounced with “no evidence of disease” (NED), I was overjoyed. But my experience taught me that true freedom from cancer is a state of mind.

The lessons I learned inspired me to make huge changes in my life. I left an unhealthy marriage, moved to Colorado, and published my book,My Guru Cancer, which was inspired by my blog. I started dating again — an unusual experience with weird new body parts — and soon fell deeply in love with a Boulder boy named Tim.

Just a year later, and two weeks after moving into our first home,chroniclow back pain led me to advocate hard for scans.

On May 27, 2021, I was home alone in our new, freshly furnished living room when the phone rang. More than five years had passed since my initialdiagnosis.

I was surprised to see my doctor’s number on mycellphone’s screen. “That’s strange,” I thought, “Why is he calling already? MyMRIwas only 2 hours ago.”

I answered the call, and his first words took my breath away: “Bethany, are you sitting down?”

I stumbled backwards, then lowered my body onto our brown sofa. Nothing could have prepared me for what came next. He said, “There are lesions all over your spine; it looks like the cancer is back. You need to call youroncologistright away.”

My finger pressed “end” on the phone call, as the rest of me remained frozen in complete shock. What. Just. Happened. Thenpanicset in as I frantically paced back and forth in the living room, trying to make sense of his words. “The cancer is back? Does that mean it’s terminal? Am I dying?”

I immediately called Tim, who was at work. I told him the devastating news. “I’m on my way, baby, it’s going to be okay.”

I felt anything but “okay.” I was completely heartbroken, terrified, furious, and betrayed. “What more do you want from me, life? I did all of the things and even dedicated my career to supporting others. Is this really how my story ends?”

Thankfully, my oncologist made time in her schedule to meet with me during her lunch break the very next day. APET scanwas ordered which later confirmed the cancer had spread throughout my bones, liver, and into somelymphnodes in my stomach.

StageIV. Incurable.Metastaticbreast cancer.

I made a point to tell my oncologist NOT to give me aprognosisor survival statistics – I knew that would mess with my mind, and I am not a number. She reassured me that while my cancer wasn’t curable, it was treatable for many years. I clung to those words, adding “not curable yet,” as an additional lifeline.

I moved through the initial grief by granting myself permission to feel all the feels. I cried for days: under my covers, dry heaving over the toilet, and while driving in my car and walking in nature.

One night, as I wept on that same couch where I got the news, I begged Tim to leave me. I knew from my previous marriage how hard cancer could be on a relationship. “I don’t know what’s going to happen,” I said. “This isn’t what you signed up for.”

He took my hand and said, “I’m so in this with you.”

As Tim and my family provided unconditional support, and my medical team supplied the expertise, I re-focused my energy on clearing my mind of painful assumptions about my future. The fear slowly began to clear. I realized that although I didn’t choose this path, I still had a choice: I could fight this new reality or embrace it. Because whether I like it or not, this is happening.

I renamed my MBC as “live the f*ck out of life!” It’s my diagnosis, my mission, mymedicine.

Since then, I’ve lived more fully than I ever imagined. I’ve traveled to Costa Rica, Mexico, Greece; gone skiing, hiking, snorkeling; and reveled in the beauty of nature and connection with loved ones. I was present for the magical birth of my nephew, and in 2024, I married my best friend. I did not think this life was possible.

I’ve learned to see life through the lens of “I get to”:

I get to be alive for all of it.

Even when I fall apart—and I do—I pause and question my thoughts:

When I ask my heart, I can always find empowering answers. I don’t have to be a victim of cancer. I get to be its student.

While I hope cancer will leave my body someday, and that I’ll be able to grow old, wrinkly, and gray, I know that the beautiful lessons I’ve learned (and am still learning) are here to stay.

Life is beautiful. Wild. Crazy. And so dang precious.

DISCLAIMER:

The views and opinions of our bloggers represent the views and opinions of the bloggers alone and not those of Living Beyond Breast Cancer. Also understand that Living Beyond Breast Cancer does not medically review any information or content contained on, or distributed through, its blog and therefore does not endorse the accuracy or reliability of any such information or content. Through our blog, we merely seek to give individuals creative freedom to tell their stories. It is not a substitute for professional counseling or medical advice.

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Living Beyond Breast Cancer is a national nonprofit organization that seeks to create a world that understands there is more than one way to have breast cancer. To fulfill its mission of providing trusted information and a community of support to those impacted by the disease, Living Beyond Breast Cancer offers on-demand emotional, practical, and evidence-based content. For over 30 years, the organization has remained committed to creating a culture of acceptance — where sharing the diversity of the lived experience of breast cancer fosters self-advocacy and hope. For more information,learn more about our programs and services.

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Originally published on The Patient Story: https://www.lbbc.org/blog/cancer-my-unexpected-guru-thriving-with-metastatic-breast-cancer